She's gone

I can't believe she's actually gone. I really don't know how else to say it. She was as close to me as family could get without actually being blood.  She was my mom's best friend. I can't imagine what's like for my mom. My mom spending a lot of time with her, visiting her in the hospital & taking care of her (along with her immediate family of course), mainly because she lives a lot closer than I do. She's know me since before I was even born, I still called her Auntie and I'm 28 yrs old. My mom had my baby shower at her house and then when it was time for me to get married I had my wedding shower at her house. We almost came full circle.

We all knew things weren't good and that she more than likely was not going to survive the cancer. I just thought there would be more time. We always think that ya know? She was diagnosed last April. When I last saw her in June she didn't look well but she was up & alert and talkative. I got to hug her and tell her I loved her. I'm glad that's the last image I have of her instead of in a hospital bed. But it didn't expect to get a phone call from my mom this morning that she had actually passed. My mom felt bad calling me at work, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I was glad to know right away. I had to get up from my desk for a few minute and compose myself. Going over to see everyone tomorrow is going to be very weird. I can't imagine walking into that house and not seeing her there. It's like it's not even real. Even going to her funeral on Tuesday it's going to seem unreal.

The priest had come to see her earlier today for last rights and within a half hour of them leaving she was gone. The sorrow comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I am fine and then I sit and I think about the reality of her not being here anymore and I start to tear up. Thankfully I have some great pictures of her from our wedding when she was healthy and smiling and happy. I know she's at peace now and not in any pain but that doesn't help the hurt. And this one is going to hurt for a long time.

I'm going to bake cookies for tomorrow. I know that sounds a little weird but baking relaxes me and I feel like I need to bring something with me to see her family tomorrow. I know we're all "family" but I mean her husband and kids and the rest of us who will be there tomorrow. It's going to be a rough day.